Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
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doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Match dot com, but for socks.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing