5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
You Might Also Like
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.