While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
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I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.