[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
You Might Also Like
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
podcasts
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*