This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
bias laundering edition
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.