“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
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Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Eat…
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.