crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
You Might Also Like
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,