Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
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I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
choose your gary
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Twitter remains undefeated
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.