o shit
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him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
@funTweeters
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me