*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
my mom making me talk to relatives
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Found my door mat
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?