I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I’m confused about plants
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Seems kinda suspicious
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra