Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
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“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.