“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
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me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I hate when that happens.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day