Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
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Extremely relatable.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”