waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
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Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.