Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
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‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!