I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
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“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Vodka burrito was a success
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
#Caturday
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?