*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
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nothing saves money like being antisocial
I have two kinds of followers
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent