when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
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Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law