I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
the simulation is moving too fast
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.