I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
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wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
This is a true ally.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Generation gap…
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*