I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
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[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
i want to work in this restaurant
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.