“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
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Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.