WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
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The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage