“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
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I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday