[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
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Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Perfect.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
then why did i get this email
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?