The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
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millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
just left a huge legacy in there
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.