I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
You Might Also Like
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
それは草
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam