“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
You Might Also Like
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
This a good idea
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.