“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
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If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.