I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.