I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
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I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room