When you can’t find your friend Neil
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My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.