I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
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So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?