love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
what it’s like dating me:
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
“That’s what” – She
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]