The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
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Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I identify as an antique shop.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
When they try to steal your moment.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*