Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
You Might Also Like
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
definitely did not do anything wrong
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”