*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
6: are snakes just neck?
That time Alicia messaged me
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.