The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
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A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man