My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.