Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
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Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy