Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
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Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
What if the weather talks about us?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.