They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
You Might Also Like
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.