I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
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When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.