When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
You Might Also Like
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
This kid is a star!
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911