The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
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I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed