Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
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If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen