How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
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[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING