Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
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{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.