@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
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Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.